I have always been shy. My mom says that when I was little and I was playing, I always had to come back and "check in" or "touch base" and then I'd go back to playing. And my grandpa used to always tell me the story of how I always followed my mom around so closely that he was worried that she'd back up over me! My mom also says that she was worried for me when I went to Kindergarten (but I loved school and so I did fine!) Being shy also presented problems when my parents took me to get my picture taken. (Especially if the photographer wasn't the best with kids!)
I even had trouble smiling for people I knew like my aunt!
|That's me in the front on the right |
(if you couldn't tell by my lack of smile)
Another problem I have had, which may stem in part from being shy, is difficulty in making friends. Other than family members, I haven't had a best friend since I was in First Grade, and that was a girl who was in the afternoon group of Kindergarten and I would see her waiting for school when I got out and was going home! We had the one year together and then she moved. Then before 3rd grade, we moved. In 3rd grade, I had a friend that I played with every recess, but after that year, I don't know what happened to her, she disappeared (she probably moved, too). Then I entered the "I'm their friend, but I'm not too thrilled with being their friend" stage. This meant that I ended up with the "underdogs" a lot when I really wanted/needed someone who was less needy than I was. The girls that I wanted to be friends with weren't the popular kids, but I was too shy to approach them. I've always had a hard time looking people in the eye while speaking to them (like I wasn't worthy enough) and I'm sure that came across as I wasn't interested in them. I would tell myself, "Why would they want to be my friend anyway?" My freshman year of college, I had a roommate with whom I connected, but the next year, she joined a traveling evangelistic group and moved away. (Do we notice a theme here?) Another thing that may have contributed to my problems with opening up to someone is the fact that my family went through 3 adoptions (7 kids total) who ended up "divorcing" our family. My parents were accused of things that never happened or something small that did happen was amplified 1000%. I had a harder time with the last adoption as I felt it disrupted my place in the family more. I had finally accepted the situation when the bomb exploded. I think it made me even more gun shy than before! Now in the age of blogs and Facebook, I can communicate without having to worry about eye contact and feeling awkward, but then I find myself worrying that I should have said something a different way, or wondering if someone thinks I'm being annoying by posting all the time (Like they will think "Oh, not her again"). Or if one of my friends seems to post on a mutual friend's wall/comments more, I find myself feeling like it's because I'm not likeable enough. (back to the "why would they want to be my friend" again) I may have had friends, but they are more surface relationships. I have always longed for a best friend with whom you share real things.
Here is an older blog post that also tells a little about who I am
And this is a humorous look at my sleep deprived state from a couple years ago!